Thoughts about my loss

It's been awhile since I have posted anything to my blog, and I'm sorry about that! Life has taken over, and I've been so busy. I usually use this blog for business posts, but this one is personal, and I feel I am ready to write down these thoughts.

For those of you who might not know, I am 14 weeks pregnant, after losing an angel at 9 weeks pregnant in February. In February, we came back from a wonderful cruise (though morning sickness and sea sickness do not mix!) to my ultrasound appointment the next week. Never in my wildess dreams did I expect to not see a heartbeat fluttering on that little screen. Having one healthy child, miscarriage was something that happens to "other" people. Now I have come to understand that this can happen to anyone.

I'm delighted that everything is going smoothly with this baby, and we have now seen the heartbeat on two ultrasounds, plus heard it countless times on my home doppler. However, I've faced a lot of anxiety during this pregnancy, and I dont think I will be able to completely relax until I'm holding a healthy baby in my arms in February.

As excited and happy I am to have been blessed with another change, I still struggle with grief over the child that I have lost. Miscarriage is often a silent pain, as people are never quite sure what to say, and can't truely understand the pain unless they have gone through it themselves. Even then, each person's pain is different. People may have been surprized when I posted about my loss on facebook, but the outpouring of support and love from my family and friends who have experienced loss (and some from those who haven't) was amazing.

I am approaching what would have been my due date (September 15th), and it's very hard to think that I will not be bringing home a baby this fall.

Through my pain and grief, I have turned to music and to my faith for healing. I thank everyone for their prayers - I have felt them heal my heart. Here are some of the songs that have shown me healing and continue to do so on a daily basis. May they help others as well. It doesnt matter how long you were pregnant, that was your child, and don't let anyone tell you how you need to feel.


Glory Baby - Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…


Held - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/natalie_grant/held.html ]
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

Still - Gerrit Hofsink

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we'll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you


Just Cry - Mandisa

Why you gotta act so strong?
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me that nothing's wrong
It's obvious your not in a good place
Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright

Just cry

Homesick - Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

Mandisa - Stronger

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me, this is going to make you stronger.


Coldplay - Fix you

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Mandisa - How Much

Don't worry about what you've done
God's love goes out to everyone
And here's the wonderful, beautiful truth
That includes me and you
So let it find you where you are
Wrap it's arms around your weary heart
And all the love you're longing for
You'll find all that love and more